The Mary Sue
by Author Name Changed
Summary: OneShot. Hermione became a psychologist after finishing Hogwarts and guess who's a patient?... I took the "Mary Sue" test and tried to hit as many points there as possible. Have fun!


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. And _everybody_ owns Mary Sue.

AN: Just a little something to save me from Medieval Literature studying.

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Hermione had studied magic very intensely during her time at Hogwarts – there was no doubt about that. So it had come as a bit of a surprise to everybody, including her husband, Ron, that she should also choose to study Muggle psychology.

"The truth is," she argued with him one night as he attempted to pursue her to follow a brilliant career in magic, "that without knowledge of the human mind, I still feel that I don't understand enough about anything."

And after a lot of arguing, she swore to also take up a magical job and that was that. Everybody left her alone. Soon enough, though, she discovered the magic – pardon the pun – of being a wizarding psychologist. Usually such jobs were reserved for Squibs, who knew all the secrets, but the knowledge aided them too little.

She had been surprised to find many types of people coming in her nicely prepared room and lying down on the couch. But the most surprising had been _her_. The most wonderful, memorable, extraordinary person she had ever met. She had just come in one night, her startlingly golden hair with red highlights flowing mysteriously around her face, her eyes seeming to hold all the compassion in the world – and she took the couch for her own. Hermione noticed she looked exactly like Cameron Diaz, except younger and with long, curly hair.

"Your name is?" Hermione asked, startled to see her and completely forgetting to ask about an appointment.

"Crystal Hunter Otoruzunamael," she said, softly. "Oh-tohr-ooze-uu-nah-mael. The last syllable has is a combination of "ah" and "eh", it's a Gaelic sound."

Hermione of course asked for the spelling and managed to get it down with the first attempt. She wasn't a near-genius for nothing!

"So, what ails you?" Hermione asked, completely taken with the new patient, who was very, very beautiful.

"My life," Crystal Hunter replied, her very blue eyes glowing violet a bit, in remorse.

"What happened?"

Crystal sighed.

"First, I was born with a dragon tattoo, that apparently made me the most powerful witch of all times, being the Heiress of the Dragon. However, those powers would not surface until I was 20 years old; I was only a very brilliant witch until then. But my family didn't like that idea."

Hermione listened, enthralled, her gaze flicking slightly to Crystal's clothes, a short blouse that showed her beautiful navel and a mini skirt that showed her long, gorgeous, cellulite-free legs wonderfully. Even though she was straight, Hermione unconsciously licked her lips. No, it wasn't professional. But who cared?

"So they decided to make me their slave," Crystal continued. "At first, I was too little to notice I was special. It was only when I started walking through walls that I realized that I was only part-human and that my legacy helped in some way. Well, you'll say, then how were you just a normal witch?... Well, besides that, I was. And it didn't help me much, as I remained in complete control of my family. After I turned ten, my father couldn't bare it any longer, so he had to start abusing me. First, it was just fingers under my mini-skirt, then it was pinching of my breasts through my blouse. Next thing I knew, I was eleven, so my letter came, but they replied I'd be home-taught until I was 14 and my dad punished me… My first time was rape and incest, at the same time."

Hermione nodded, chewing her ball point pen.

"How did you survive?"

"Well, after being sexually abused by my dad, brother and mother, none of whom could withstand my charms, and a lot of neighbors, for the same reason, the day came when Voldemort attacked our house."

"Oh my God! Hermione cried.

"Yes… so he killed everybody in my family, except me. He just gave me a look… a tear came up in his eye, he lowered his wand and he left. He was nice looking."

"The snake bastard?!"

"He was different then, it was during the first reign."

"How old are you!?"

"Technically 50, but due to being the Heiress of the Dragon, I look 19. Also, there was an accident… But never mind that. So, after Voldemort spared me – I'm not afraid to say his name, I know that the fear of the name increases fear of the thing itself – I discovered I was also a veela, except I didn't have their usual mating trouble, but I could use their good characteristics whenever I wanted. So, I schooled myself in many things, learned how to sing, to play the guitar, violin, flute, piano and drums and speak about 10 or so languages in a year, then I decided I needed a challenge."

"You learned that in a single year?" Hermione gasped, feeling her heart warming to the newcomer incredibly.

"Yes. I was offered the job of Ministress of Magic for Great Britain two or three years after that, but I declined. It was too troublesome. So, I decided to attend Hogwarts to make friends, even though I was too old to enter, technically, but they allowed me in and put me in 5th year. I made friends with the Marauders then, but I asked them not to mention me anywhere! I also made James realize he was in love with Lily and basically hooked them up… My powers as Heiress of the Dragon popped up earlier and Fawkes the phoenix was happy to recognize me as mistress. All animals warm up to me, for some reason, but he was very chatty, we had all these telepathy sessions… And then he gave me a feather from his tail to make a brand new wand out of it. I made it myself, figuring out how to do so from a book."

Hermione warmed up even more to the girls. In fact, she was starting to feel quite hot around her.

"Then what happened?"

"Dumbledore caught me and got really pissed that I'd "stolen" the feather. He made me clean up the Slytherin boys' dormitory manually every morning for it. They all laughed and jeered at me at first, but then they started becoming friendlier. Especially a boy called Severus. He was in love with Lily Evans at that time…"

Hermione gaped, but said nothing.

"…but he also fell in love with me. As did most of them. But in the end, I only took him as a boyfriend. It was his 5th year, at the beginning. Dumbledore found out later from Fawkes that I was innocent, so he let me get out of the punishment and gave me this huuuuge treasure in Gringotts to compensate. I was now very rich, but I realized the threat of Voldemort was growing. In the end, I told Severus we should break up, so that he could spy for the Light without everybody knowing that I, who was completely on the side of Light, supported him. He even cried, but then he did it and tried to get Lily instead, but he blew it with a comment."

Hermione eyed the very gorgeous specimen of human female in front of her, feeling sorry for her… for some reason she couldn't recall, being too busy admiring and liking her.

"So Severus joined the Death Eaters. In time, he really became a sarcastic, dark person, but he could never forget me, so he never did anything _too_ evil, trying to keep everyone innocent safe."

Hermione shifted in her chair.

"And then what?" she asked, since Crystal Hunter had paused.

"And then I graduated one year early from Hogwarts," she replied. "And I visited the Elf Lands. A few animals there wanted to be my familiars, a wolf, a swan, a unicorn, a thestral and a ferret. Lovely ones. They're all on errands now. Oh, and I can speak Elfish, the most difficult language to ever exist."

"Woooow," Hermione said. "Mind if I call a friend to hear this?"

"Severus?" Crystal asked. "Sirius? Remus? Tonks?"

"No, Ginny. They all died, I'm afraid," the bushy-haired girl answered, biting her lip.

"Oh, that's ok. I'm friends with Death," Crystal grinned, waving her hand. A dark angel appeared.

"You called?" the dark angel asked.

"Bring back from the death all people that died in the war against Voldemort," she said, waving her hand. Hermione realized that her room was growing and she shrieked. But then she saw it had become a very comfortable lounge, with many sofas. The dead then started popping up.

"Crystal!" James Potter exclaimed, eyes in tears.

"Hunter!" Lily also cried, kneeling next to the girl and kissing her hand.

"Crystal Hunter," Severus replied, very warmly. She got up and all the previously-dead people stepped aside to let her walk to him.

"Oh, Severus! I always loved you, but we had to part for the sake of the war!"

"I love you, too, my Juliet, my Rosalind, my beauty!" he said, starry eyed.

"Yes, I still read Shakespeare," she joked. "My favorite author!" she announced, seriously. "And my favorite director is Fellini, not that it would matter much…"

Then her familiars, the wolf, swan, unicorn, thestral and ferret, all appeared, bringing with them all our living favorite characters. And there was much rejoicing, what with the Weasley twins reunited. Until Crystal Hunter decided to continue her story and all gathered around her, animal and human alike, to hear what she had to say, all of them being perfectly wide-eyed.

"Well, so for awhile I just traveled in luxury all around the world, at the best hotels and that. Even though my family had been poor and Dumbledore's little gift – oh, hello Headmaster – had vanished away, I always had some purse falling out of nowhere. Then I started singing here and there, became one of the best Physicists, quit, all that. I also found out that being Heiress of the Dragon could make me fly without wings. So I saved the world a couple of times with my abilities, although most of the time I was wearing a bikini… somebody kept stealing my clothes."

"How did you save the world?" Sirius cried, turning into his dog form and coming closer to be petted.

"I'll tell you some other time", she replied. "The basic point is that in one of those times, I gained the Sword of Gryffindor and stuck it in the Sorting Hat!"

Everybody applauded merrily. She bowed gracefully.

"But I decided I wanted to use a sword, too, so I got a cool thousand year-old katana with words written on the blade and diamonds in the hilt. I can deflect bullets with it now! And with it, I searched the 12 other vessels of Voldemort's soul – you fools! 19 is a much more magical number than 7! And destroyed them before Harry started on his quest. I was also the one who aided you in finding some of the Horcruxes, though I'll let you guess which…"

They all stared in mute amazement, wide eyed and with growing attention and… Never mind what I was about to say.

"But then, I found out about a prophecy from my birth – I was supposed to be a vessel of both Dark and Light and the two battled within me without my knowledge – but the evil within me being great and watching over Voldemort, I had to die in order for him to be vanquished. So, I went to the Elfen Land and jumped on a stick. It pierced me in the heart and I died, while everybody there mourned…"

"So _that's_ why it was raining in heaven…" Sirius muttered.

"I felt very sad without knowing why one day. Tonks, too!" Remus said in amazement.

"It was _that_ day", Moody said gloomily.

"Yes…" Crystal said. "And I went to heaven, but didn't want to enter through the Pearly Gates. Instead, I waited and when I saw Voldemort coming, I took pitty on him. He was about to be taken to hell, but I asked that his letting me go be considered, as it was pity. I was given a month to set him right. At first it was difficult to get him to renounce his ways, but then he became very interested in going to heaven and reformed himself – even literally. He's now at the Pearly Gates, selling tickets for the inside. Such a good boy… And then they sent me back here, because it was a pity to die so young."

Everybody nodded, even Hermione, who had forgotten she was 50.

"Thank you so much for what you did," Harry said. "I'll teach you how to fly for this!"

"And to play chess!" Ron said.

"And to make potions!" Severus added, too.

But Hermione couldn't bear it anymore. Staring at the wonderful girl (she looks 19, remember? And she's very gorgeous, Cameron Diaz, sparkly blue eyes that pierce the soul and all), she reached towards her and yanked her blouse off, revealing perfect breasts. Crystal squealed in modesty, but she soon had her pants thrown away by Severus.

"We all love you, dear," he explained.

She stood there, in front of them, all naked, perfect body showing and she thought, "Not again…" as everybody closed in on her, worshipping her every physical feature and wonderful characteristic.

And they all lived happily ever after.


End file.
